Thursday, June 24, 2010

10 Stages of Group Rides

Ok, so I 'may' have borrowed a bit liberally from one of my favorite writers and TCU graduate Dan Jenkins from his Baja Oklahoma novel. I just changed a few of the concepts from the 10 Stages of Drunkeness to the 10 Stages of a Group Bike ride. Enjoy.

1. Witty and charming (part 1)
This is right after the ride starts and we're rolling out. My tongue can still remain in step with the brain. In the witty and charming stage one is likely to talk about foreign bike riders and use phrases such as "au contraire Pistolero" in place of "No way, Jose" or "Bull-sheyet"

2. Rich and famous
By the 20th minute of the ride, you begin mentioning out loud those ceramic bearings or new wheelset you've had your eye on and how on the last charity ride you kept up with the Team 360 guys the whole way, and even took many lengthy pulls INTO the wind. And think maybe you'll sit in with them on their next hammer fest....

3. Benevolent
You start thinking how you'll buy the group drinks at the end of the ride--and maybe spring for some new mirrors so everyone can ride safe. Or order Road ID's for everyone or maybe design jerseys and buy 'em for everyone. It's only money and these are your pals afterall....

4. Focused
Gotta hammer now....the NuPhreds are starting to crack... and I only feel semi-thirsty. I still have half a bottle of warm water from last ride that I'll remember to drink from later.

5. To hell with my Heart Rate
Sure, it's been pegged at 178 for the last 20 minutes, but I can keep this pace up, right? The wind seems to have shifted in my face, but the others are keeping up... and I'm obviously stronger than they are...

6. Patriotic
The political stories begin with my feelings of Tea Party and how FOX News is too soft on the RINOs and why Lance is the greatest humanitarian and non-doper ever to whip up on them Frogs over there....

7. Crank up the Enola Gay:
Nobody in the group understands my positions or agrees with me, and are ignoring me. Start telling the group you see their brakes are rubbing or they look like they are getting a flat... and time to start attacking on the flats or hills. Dropping people shows them I mean business,

8.Witty and charming (part 2)
Sit up and wait for the group to catch back up and say.... "Good Job, Good Job" as I downshift and pin it whilst re-passing them to drop the hammer again.

9. Bulletproof
I have as much right to the road as these dumb cars...and....I'll just run this red light/stop sign because I'm not IN a car....

10. Bonk.
Why is everything starting to have a blue tinge around the edges of my vision....what do those words anerobic or...hypoxia mean?. Wait up are going too fast.... I think I'll take the trail in instead of climbing up Woodland....