10 Stages of Group Rides

Ok, so I 'may' have borrowed a bit liberally from one of my favorite writers and TCU graduate Dan Jenkins from his Baja Oklahoma novel. I just changed a few of the concepts from the 10 Stages of Drunkeness to the 10 Stages of a Group Bike ride. Enjoy.

1. Witty and charming (part 1)
This is right after the ride starts and we're rolling out. My tongue can still remain in step with the brain. In the witty and charming stage one is likely to talk about foreign bike riders and use phrases such as "au contraire Pistolero" in place of "No way, Jose" or "Bull-sheyet"

2. Rich and famous
By the 20th minute of the ride, you begin mentioning out loud those ceramic bearings or new wheelset you've had your eye on and how on the last charity ride you kept up with the Team 360 guys the whole way, and even took many lengthy pulls INTO the wind. And think maybe you'll sit in with them on their next hammer fest....

3. Benevolent
You start thinking how you'll buy the group drinks at the end of the ride--and maybe spring for some new mirrors so everyone can ride safe. Or order Road ID's for everyone or maybe design jerseys and buy 'em for everyone. It's only money and these are your pals afterall....

4. Focused
Gotta hammer now....the NuPhreds are starting to crack... and I only feel semi-thirsty. I still have half a bottle of warm water from last ride that I'll remember to drink from later.

5. To hell with my Heart Rate
Sure, it's been pegged at 178 for the last 20 minutes, but I can keep this pace up, right? The wind seems to have shifted in my face, but the others are keeping up... and I'm obviously stronger than they are...

6. Patriotic
The political stories begin with my feelings of Tea Party and how FOX News is too soft on the RINOs and why Lance is the greatest humanitarian and non-doper ever to whip up on them Frogs over there....

7. Crank up the Enola Gay:
Nobody in the group understands my positions or agrees with me, and are ignoring me. Start telling the group you see their brakes are rubbing or they look like they are getting a flat... and time to start attacking on the flats or hills. Dropping people shows them I mean business,
right?

8.Witty and charming (part 2)
Sit up and wait for the group to catch back up and say.... "Good Job, Good Job" as I downshift and pin it whilst re-passing them to drop the hammer again.

9. Bulletproof
I have as much right to the road as these dumb cars...and....I'll just run this red light/stop sign because I'm not IN a car....

10. Bonk.
Why is everything starting to have a blue tinge around the edges of my vision....what do those words anerobic or...hypoxia mean?. Wait up guys....you are going too fast.... I think I'll take the trail in instead of climbing up Woodland....

Epic* Bike Ride this weekend

Epic....very imposing or impressive; surpassing the ordinary (especially in size or scale); "an epic voyage"; "of heroic proportions";

This past weekend Bob & Amy Rodriguez, Mark and Jane Tettambel, Connie and I undertook the latest of our ongoing epic bike training rides to prepare for an assault on the KATY Trail sometime over the next year or so.

To properly prepare, we made sure we all had:
-Helmets
-Fully inflated tires
-Sunglasses
-and nutrition/hydrational supplies

Since I have a touring bike with a rack and panniers that can carry stuff, I carefully packed the following load:

1 Bottle of Proseco (Italian Sparkling Wine)
6 Bottles of Schlitz
2 Bottles of Bud Light
2 cans of Guiness
6 water bottles
1 SingleWhite Wine
1 brick of Peccrino
1 brick of Havarti
1 brick of Jalepeno
1 jar Jalepeno Jelly
1 box strawberries
1 bag of grapes



In the Panniers I carried
-6 wine glasses wrapped in a towel so they wouldn't break
-4 pint glasses for the Guiness and other libations
-1 box of crackers
-3 oranges
-2 apples
-1 loaf of Foccia Bread
-1 loaf of french baguette.
-Napkins
-Wine Bottle Opener
-Appetizer Plates

All in all, the load was 42lbs...approximately just less than twice as heavy as my trusty 1982 Trek 613.

We rode on the Overland Park Indian Creek Trail from the Tettambels house, approximately 6 miles to the picnic spot and hunkered down for a refreshment session. Approximately 1 hour later we went another mile or two then turned around to head back. Covering 14 miles in 3 hours isn't really epic in sheer physicality, but boy was it fun.

The best news:
-No lycra
-No spandex
-No clip in pedals--tenny-runners were the fashion
-No carbon road-rockets
-The 'newest' bike was Connie's circa 1992 Giant Mountian Bike along with an old Motobecane Mark restored, Jane rode a Trek400 with downtube shifters, Bob has a Accordio Centurion from the 80s, and Amy rode her old Schwinn MTB.


We rode. We ate. We drank. We talked. We laughed. We rode some more. It was a blast.

Epic is what you make it.

As my brother Ferris/Brady would say, If you have the means, I highly recommend it... meaning riding with friends for fun.